My goodness! Do I look scared and shocked enough?

One of the few pictures that I've posted. Realised I never really posted about the trip. The trip was great! Learnt alot. :D Relaxed a whole lot. Although, I ain't going into all the details for fear of boring you readers.

The museums were beautiful. Much like the kind Ive been dreaming of visiting. Notre Dame. I remember spazzing over Victoria's picture of it. Paris is indeed a beautiful city. The weather was fabulous! Cold and chilly. :D Although Paris was dark and gloomy all the time, I think our days never reflected the conditions of the weather and were the total opposite. (Haha. Ironic pathetic fallacy. :D) Laughed alot. Spazzed alot. The ironic thing was, the best part of the trip was when we started work. When we congregated in room 504 to prepare our resolutions and discuss erhem, certain sensitive stuff. :) PAMUN wasnt exactly the best MUN we went for, but (I can't believe this) ultimately, we still had fun :D

Tour aside, the trip, made me realise that, maybe just maybe, theres something in AJ that I haven't found just yet. It was always there, was it not? I never saw it. But now, this trip has given me a little glimpse of how its like. Something I've not seen for so long, not since I left SC...

Could it be that I am cold no longer?

Maybe I'm getting pissed or something. So many angry thoughts swarming about my head. As I stare at them from afar, I can sense that jealousy trying so hard to come out. That monster that demon. Why can they be so happy while I'm left here outcasted and all alone? As they dance and sing, and kiss and hug, I become tempted to march up to them and pull them apart. Dreams hah. They never come true... Blatant and honest that phrase -I remember. That phrase that left me crying for a week. That phrase that left me aching on my bed, unable to move till noon.

"hey. I know what you did. And I forgive you."

I stared at him. And controlled my urge to slap him to push him to a corner. To scream and to demand the reason for why he was so cruel... So cruel. But from my anger, I mustered up a smile.

"thank you", I replied.

I never saw him again.

You won't forget him/her until he hurts you. After that, you'll consume yourself in anger and, in frustration. So angry that you wished he/you never existed. You wished all your feelings for him/her never happened. You start to wish that none of this ever happened. And I'm telling you now, listen to your gut. All the time. Listen to your gut. Don't ever ever regret at the end of the day, for not listening to yourself.

Limerence. Look that up. It brings you into extreme ecstasy and into extreme depression. Are you scared? That's what you feel now. Every day, you think of him/her. Dreaming, wishing, fantasizing. Limerence is sometimes referred to as infatuation.

Let me tell you this. You won't forget him/her until you let yourself.

Don't let it take over your life. You are more than this.

Have you figured out the meaning of life? I'm too tired for any research now. I need a proper TO-DO list seriously. I keep on procrastinating. Tomorrow night needs to be substantial. Currently catching up with friends now, before leaving for Paris. Lunched today, will lunch tomorrow and a meeting with the red crossers :). hah. Hmm... I'm trying to get myself emo, but I can't. I need my brain cells to dance yo. I want to think about cheem stuff. About interpersonal abstract stuff. Unfortunately, I aint in the mood now. I can't think of anything groundbreaking. I'm too happy. That's not a good thing... ok maybe I'm weird. No interest for anything now. Convos aint moving... I'm stuck in the room thinking... I'll miss school. :D

You! You there! Do you understand? -nods-

What? I'm mute? How? Can't you understand me? No?

No, don't run, don't run...

The Object grabs it, and twists. Pain, hurt. The Object continues to twist. The Object looks at you with that sadistic smile. The Object comes closer to you. Deep, deep breaths. Then the Object squeezes. That's it. Blood, flowing out of the Object's hands. Blood, blood everywhere. The Object lets go. You look at the Object, smile, and everything goes black...

As I lay down here in the dark, I never dreamt that something like this would happen to me, a little too early. I never thought how anyone could differentiate between the head and the heart till now. This was a learning experience for me, and I'll take it positively. Maybe I was deluded myself. It seems I wasn't able to apply my theoretical knowledge from my research into reality. (Haha, but I still think I want to learn psychology.) But still, I thank everyone involved in this because somehow theyve drummed something into my head. And no, I'm not going back to my chant promoting the notion of 'independence and autonomy'. No, that's not the point now. The point was picking yourself up when you fall. When you are down, the first thing you do isn't to damn/condemn your target. No. It's to accept it and get on with life. I guess now, my life has simplified a whole lot. No, I never liked to use that sacred word to describe it. The notion of it is too complex for us kids to understand. We want to grow up too fast. And grappling with all these would ultimately lead to depression and frustration. Haha. But well, everything bottled inside has come out. (Luckily I didnt let it affect me too much during my course of this one year) Well, maybe now, I would finally be able to genuinely enjoy my time here, in AJC. And maybe, I would be able to leave the school, convinced that I have grown, somewhat. Even if I haven't found anyone... a 'kindled spirit' of sorts, I'm fine. My mission in life is the learn. And the best way to do that is to experience life for what it is. Those who choose to observe life from afar are too afraid to take the pain and the anger that can come out of life. Don't be afraid, because life doesn't want to kill you (even though sometimes, it may seem like it does). Life is learning process. Every step of the way, I'm learning. I remember having a dream, that I was given the option of gaining all the knowledge in the world. But knowledge doesnt equate to wisdom. The understanding of life and how things would turn out. That open-mindedness and that maturity of thought. I'm down into complete insomnia now... Haha. I can't sleep that's why I'm typing this. The holidays are going to be spent studying and revising. :) I can't screw things up now. Liberal Arts College... I'll do it if I get the chance... Liberal Arts College WILL IT COME? haha! Theatre Studies, Women Studies, Psychology, Anthropology... I want to study ALL OF THESE. :D

I learnt today that maybe I shouldn't care too much about niceties, awkwardness and stuff. You want to speak, just speak! Talk to people, talk to anyone! Open up! How closed do you want to be?
And what are you scared of anyway? I wasted a year, closed. Too closed. Well I'm off then. The year was great and maybe, I might just miss AJ afterall.